Something totally unexpected happened to me this morning. It was significant enough to get me out of bed and onto the computer, thus starting this new blog.
I like reading blogs and have attempted to start several of my own. I love to write so, I start the blog, write a few entires and it fizzles out. I have journals like that, too.
I go to the store and buy a new journal. I start writing in it. Good things, bad things. I try to be real with myself about what I’m experiencing. But, when the moment passes, I feel embarrassed about how vulnerable or sad or messy it all was. It’s not all negative or tough or difficult, of course, but the good stuff is not what’s embarrassing, is it? So, I put that journal away. Weeks or months pass and I avoid the journal. Then, when the inspiration to write finally hits me again, I think, “I need a new journal. One that doesn’t have the yucky stuff in it.” It’s as if I cannot write in the old ones anymore. They are reminders of things I don’t want to think about.
This is how I’ve been feeling about blogging. To get real, on the internet, is a vulnerable thing. And, I haven’t had the lasting courage or desire to expose myself. And, I can’t write without being genuine, it’s not who I am. So, no blog. For years.
Until this morning.
I came across a button to a blog that looked interesting. At first, it came across like many of the blogs that I read- artful, creative, pretty… until I came to the entry that met me right where I was sitting. As I read her words on my tiny iphone screen, I felt someone’s presence in my room. I immediately recognized who it was. I have been with him before. And feeling him this morning reminded me of how much I’ve missed being with him alone as much as I’d used to.
All at once, I wasn’t thinking about this girl or her life I’d been reading about or the things on my agenda for today, I was with him and he loved me and it was deep and real and warm and free. My heart started beating faster in my chest. I put down my phone and soaked it all in.
“Ah, I’ve missed you.”
Thoughts of things I’ve been dealing with floated through my mind and he said to me, “I am the answer to all of it.”
Just like that, issues that felt so heavy diminished in value. I felt alive. Just being with him, everything in me experiencing him. Indescribable depth of being and feeling and living.
That’s why he calls himself, “I AM.” The Lord. The Holy Spirit. Jesus. God.
Who he is is the answer to all the questions of my heart. Who he is. “I AM.”
The answer to the longing, the want, the need, the empty, the dream, the hope, the imagination.
I want to share this. I was born to share this so that others could have the chance to experience his love, his presence, “who he is” for themselves.
I sat thinking, “if I were to write a blog, I wouldn’t want someone coming away from it being intimidated by me or as if they don’t somehow measure up to me. I’d want them coming away thinking to themselves in their hearts, ‘Who is he? I want to know him.'”