He answered me

“In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry.”  Jonah 2:2

“Let your cry come to me, and I will give you an answer, and let you see great things and secret things of which you had no knowledge.” Jer 33:3

Have you ever faced something difficult and needed answers?

I mean, fiercely needed answers?

I have been going through something for sometime.   The details are irrelevant at this point.  But, I have been struggling.  I haven’t really fully understood the in and outs of the problem, although it was weighing heavily on my heart.  I certainly didn’t know how to make it better.  I did know, however, that something huge was wrong.  The evidence was in front of me, but what was the cause?  How could it be made better?

I was praying.  Even though at times I felt almost paralyzed with fear, I asked the Lord to help me.  I prayed, “Lord, show me the truth.  Give me wisdom.  Even if the truth doesn’t feel good or points to my need for change, I want to be free.  I want the truth.  I want resolve.”

There is a deep place of hurt and darkness that we can go to in our hearts, in our souls.  An abysmal pit where we experience the pain of our wounds, where we can hide in fear and be lost in confusion.  From there, it is very difficult to see the truth as it is.  My wounds were the windows through which I was seeing the world around me, the people.  In my cavern, I was overly sensitive, touchy, and scared.  Even afraid of the Lord himself.  I couldn’t bear the thought of him rejecting me.  I already felt so rejected by people.

Have you ever felt this alone?

I know and have known since I was very young that God loves me.  He has shown me that love over and over again.  But, in time, my hurt was teaching me a different lesson, and increasingly building a new abode for fear in my heart.  My pain’s message was “be afraid” and “what if He rejects me?”  I was paralyzed, afraid to trust, to believe, to take the risk of hope.  I think that has been my greatest fear- being utterly rejected and not loved.  Totally alone and in pain, with no comfort and no escape.

How could I experience so much of God throughout my life and end up here?  How can anyone?

Pain is a powerful messenger.  I have believed the lies that my wounds have taught me.  That I can’t trust.  That I can’t love.  That I can’t believe.  That I can’t have hope.  That I need to try to control, manage, and otherwise “ensure” that things will go my way.  After all, I don’t want to hurt.

Fear and love are in direct opposition to one another.  The more fear I have given into, the less love I have felt.  The less that I have believed that I am loved.

And, I have become more numb than I have ever felt in my entire life.

So, today this thing I have been dealing with reached a new climax.  I closed my eyes and I felt like I was losing absolute control of everything.  (Probably the best thing that could have happened to me at that moment.)

“God!  Help me!”  With all of my being, I was crying out to be rescued.

And, I heard a soft, firm voice that was just slightly louder than my emotions, saying,

“Don’t be afraid.”

He was there with me and the more I focused on his words the more I could feel his presence.

With the Lord by my side, I faced this seemingly insurmountable fear.  I had no idea how large my fear had grown, how much I had fed it and coddled it and nurtured it.  I had no idea how much of my life I had allowed it to squeeze out of me.

If you have ever had a defining moment in your life, one that you can pinpoint, you can relate.  In that moment, for the first time, I saw that fear for the life-sucking lie that it has been to me.

“Don’t be afraid,” He said to me again and again and again.

His words were breaking something off of me that has been wrapped around me for longer than I  realized.

The Lord continued to speak to me.  He replayed scenes in my mind and heart of experiences, but now without the distorted window of fear. I could see.  For the first time, I could really see this situation that I had been facing for what it really was.

The more I focused on his words, and trusted him, the more I could see the truth.  Things that perplexed me and confused me for so long became resoundingly clear.  I just kept soaking it in.

The funny thing was- the truth about my situation, about my past, about me- it was not hurting me, it was setting me FREE and giving me the confidence to abandon my fear and say “NO MORE!” to the lies I had believed for too long.

As I sit at this computer typing these words, I feel a clarity, a raw excitement, a new courage to FACE the things that had formerly caused fear to rise in me.  The very things that had previously caused me to run away and fear.  I am ready to face them and to overcome them.

To trust that in each new and old situation that this same loving Father who is now helping me in one of my most desperate moments by revealing life-breathing truth to me will also be with me in every future moment to help me.

To speak to me.

To love me.

To encourage me.

To show me the truth.

I feel freedom today like I have never felt before, honestly.

And, I am also experiencing something that someone I love has described to me previously as an eagerness to face these conflicts because of the potential that they are to know the Lord more deeply and to see him made known, not just in me, but in the lives of others.   To put this newfound freedom into practice, to transform the habits of fear into habits of love, and life-giving truth, for me and those around me.

I feel a tremendous love and acceptance washing over me like an ocean.

I feel utterly loved and cared for by the One with whom I crave the deepest connection.

God.

“In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry.” Jonah 2:2

And, God said, “Let your cry come to me, and I will give you an answer, and let you see great things and secret things of which you had no knowledge.”   Jer 33:3

God is altogether the most loving, caring father, worthy of being trusted.

He who absolutely knows me, most lovingly told me the truth.

And from the depths of my grave of fear,

he answered me.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. monikaanne says:

    4I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me.
    He freed me from all my fears.
    5Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
    no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
    6In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened;
    he saved me from all my troubles.
    7For the angel of the LORD is a guard;
    he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
    8Taste and see that the LORD is good.
    Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
    9Fear the LORD, you his godly people,
    for those who fear him will have all they need.
    10Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
    but those who trust in the LORD will lack no good thing.

    Like

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